Mr. Colbert’s mistake

A portion of you are familiar with Mr. Stephen T. Colbert, the infamous, infallible, aggressive, conservative-feigning fake news host from “The Colbert Report” from Comedy Central. A smaller portion of you know he announced a few months ago his presidential candidacy… for only the state of South Carolina. Unfortunately, he was allowed to run on neither the Democratic nor the Republican ticket. It appears that he made a critical mistake in his campaign; the solution, you ask? Appointing me campaign manager. Here’s what I bring to the table:
1. I am a South Carolina resident, so I’m familiar with his possible constituents.
2. I am in total agreement with the foremost plank of his platform—the extermination of bears.
3. I am a “political virgin.” Being almost 18, I have no skeletons in my closet. The only items that comprise my closet, in fact, are some jerseys, some jackets, and some old Limp Bizkit albums I refuse to keep in public view.
4. Mr. Colbert argues that both the media and reality have a liberal bias, but being a columnist for the Tryon Daily Bulletin, I could function as a media insider. Connie Chung on line one.
5. I am not the campaign manager for Jon Stewart.
6. I haven’t been jaded by the political system.
7. We can all take a page out of Millard Fillmore’s book, or one of the many books placed in the White House library which he started. If there are two things I’ve learned from our lucky 13th President, they are that Millard Fillmore is still indisputably the greatest presidential name and that making polarizing decisions that could even divide and dissolve your party should be avoided. With the politics of Millard Fillmore, we could have won.