A portion of you are familiar with Mr. Stephen T. Colbert, the infamous, infallible, aggressive, conservative-feigning fake news host from “The Colbert Report” from Comedy Central. A smaller portion of you know he announced a few months ago his presidential candidacy… for only the state of South Carolina. Unfortunately, he was allowed to run on neither the Democratic nor the Republican ticket. It appears that he made a critical mistake in his campaign; the solution, you ask? Appointing me campaign manager. Here’s what I bring to the table:
1. I am a South Carolina resident, so I’m familiar with his possible constituents.
2. I am in total agreement with the foremost plank of his platform—the extermination of bears.
3. I am a “political virgin.” Being almost 18, I have no skeletons in my closet. The only items that comprise my closet, in fact, are some jerseys, some jackets, and some old Limp Bizkit albums I refuse to keep in public view.
4. Mr. Colbert argues that both the media and reality have a liberal bias, but being a columnist for the Tryon Daily Bulletin, I could function as a media insider. Connie Chung on line one.
5. I am not the campaign manager for Jon Stewart.
6. I haven’t been jaded by the political system.
7. We can all take a page out of Millard Fillmore’s book, or one of the many books placed in the White House library which he started. If there are two things I’ve learned from our lucky 13th President, they are that Millard Fillmore is still indisputably the greatest presidential name and that making polarizing decisions that could even divide and dissolve your party should be avoided. With the politics of Millard Fillmore, we could have won.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Wu-Tang overload
Drew Millard, some of his friends from Chapel Thrill, and I went to see Wu-Tang Clan, a prominent, intellectual hip-hop group from Staten Island, in concert in Charlotte, and boy was it interesting.
After hitting up Phat Burrito, Drew, six friends, and I arrived around 7:35 p.m. somewhat near the front of the line to get into Amos’ Southend, the location of the concert. Unfortunately, it was absolutely frigid outside. We reasoned that the horrible weather and lack of warm clothes would be manageable since the doors were to open at 8 p.m. —wrong. The security guards announced that the joint wouldn’t open until 9, so we stood in the cold, being barraged with advertisements for rims and reminiscing how some of us had left our warm clothes in the van. After being patted down by the security guards, we were finally let in and head straight towards the merchandise to find some Wu-Wear. We then made a b-line for the stage to position ourselves three people back from the stage among the General Admission crowd. And then more waiting began. The opening act was a DJ infusing classic hip-hop songs, and whenever the song changed, the entire crowd would let out an “Oh!” as if they knew the song. Drew and I played along, although we knew only a few of the songs.
This went on, in fact, through 10:30 p.m. We stood in place, crowded by those around us, for an hour and a half, wondering where the Wu were. We had several theories, including they were watching the Giants playoff game backstage or watching old kung-fu movies, from which they derive their name. After anxiously looking backstage for a glimpse of the Wu, a door opened to the side, and in trotted the infamous Wu-Tang Clan, three hours late. Apparently, they had just arrived at almost 11:00. Although we had stood for between three or four hours, we found this too awesome to become upset. Twenty minutes later, the Wu-Tang trotted on-stage, members including the GZA/Genius, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, Method Man, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Masta Killa, and Cappadonna. The prominent RZA was not with them on this tour. They began the show with one of my favorite songs by them, “Bring Da Ruckus.” Shortly thereafter, the real crowd excitement began. People were constantly coming into contact with those around them as the entire crowd bounced up and down and shouted the lyrics. It was obvious that there were people there who had no knowledge of the concept of personal space, and I found it very difficult to even raise my arms to take a picture. This squash escalated to the point when I discovered other people’s hair in my mouth, a disgusting thought. Suddenly, a man was pushed forcibly into Drew and I, and a circle began to open right next to us. We turned to see a man receiving punches in the face from another man, both of them right next to us. After a few punches, the victim just turned and exited the crowd. From that moment on, I tried to make sure my elbows and arms being spastically thrown about weren’t mistaken for violent blows that could land me a trip to the hospital.
Everything about that concert, though, was awesome. There was a lot of audience excitement, and the Wu seemed to love it. Method Man, the most well-known member among teenagers, took control of the concert, and when it came time for him to do his solo song, creatively titled Method Man, he even did his trademark crowd walk: Instead of diving into the crowd and having them support his body, he placed his feet above the crowd and walked over them, with the arms of the fans supporting his feet. He also used his hand to grab the hands of audience members to balance himself, a role that Drew assumed when Method Man walked over him. As for me, when Method Man was standing directly in front of me yet above me, I foolishly turned my head to get a grasp of who large the crowd really was. The next thing I knew, Method’s foot landed right on top of my head and stayed there for a good three seconds. After balancing him on my head, I really began to “use my head,” so to speak, and used my hands to steady him.
From being sprayed with water by Method Man’s bottled spring water to witnessing a fight erupt right next to me, the concert was completely awesome. However, by the time the concert was about to end, I, as one of Drew’s friends put it, “was afraid of fainting from exhaustion and being trampled underfoot,” so it was a good time to end. Afterwards, Method Man invited the audience to attend their after-party at the Marriott hotel, but we decided to punt due to exhaustion and disorientation. As I write this article, my ears are still ringing from the loud sound, but I also got to leave the concert with a fond memory, a cool t-shirt, a sweet poster, and the sole of Method Man’s Air Force Ones forever imprinted on my skull.
After hitting up Phat Burrito, Drew, six friends, and I arrived around 7:35 p.m. somewhat near the front of the line to get into Amos’ Southend, the location of the concert. Unfortunately, it was absolutely frigid outside. We reasoned that the horrible weather and lack of warm clothes would be manageable since the doors were to open at 8 p.m. —wrong. The security guards announced that the joint wouldn’t open until 9, so we stood in the cold, being barraged with advertisements for rims and reminiscing how some of us had left our warm clothes in the van. After being patted down by the security guards, we were finally let in and head straight towards the merchandise to find some Wu-Wear. We then made a b-line for the stage to position ourselves three people back from the stage among the General Admission crowd. And then more waiting began. The opening act was a DJ infusing classic hip-hop songs, and whenever the song changed, the entire crowd would let out an “Oh!” as if they knew the song. Drew and I played along, although we knew only a few of the songs.
This went on, in fact, through 10:30 p.m. We stood in place, crowded by those around us, for an hour and a half, wondering where the Wu were. We had several theories, including they were watching the Giants playoff game backstage or watching old kung-fu movies, from which they derive their name. After anxiously looking backstage for a glimpse of the Wu, a door opened to the side, and in trotted the infamous Wu-Tang Clan, three hours late. Apparently, they had just arrived at almost 11:00. Although we had stood for between three or four hours, we found this too awesome to become upset. Twenty minutes later, the Wu-Tang trotted on-stage, members including the GZA/Genius, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, Method Man, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Masta Killa, and Cappadonna. The prominent RZA was not with them on this tour. They began the show with one of my favorite songs by them, “Bring Da Ruckus.” Shortly thereafter, the real crowd excitement began. People were constantly coming into contact with those around them as the entire crowd bounced up and down and shouted the lyrics. It was obvious that there were people there who had no knowledge of the concept of personal space, and I found it very difficult to even raise my arms to take a picture. This squash escalated to the point when I discovered other people’s hair in my mouth, a disgusting thought. Suddenly, a man was pushed forcibly into Drew and I, and a circle began to open right next to us. We turned to see a man receiving punches in the face from another man, both of them right next to us. After a few punches, the victim just turned and exited the crowd. From that moment on, I tried to make sure my elbows and arms being spastically thrown about weren’t mistaken for violent blows that could land me a trip to the hospital.
Everything about that concert, though, was awesome. There was a lot of audience excitement, and the Wu seemed to love it. Method Man, the most well-known member among teenagers, took control of the concert, and when it came time for him to do his solo song, creatively titled Method Man, he even did his trademark crowd walk: Instead of diving into the crowd and having them support his body, he placed his feet above the crowd and walked over them, with the arms of the fans supporting his feet. He also used his hand to grab the hands of audience members to balance himself, a role that Drew assumed when Method Man walked over him. As for me, when Method Man was standing directly in front of me yet above me, I foolishly turned my head to get a grasp of who large the crowd really was. The next thing I knew, Method’s foot landed right on top of my head and stayed there for a good three seconds. After balancing him on my head, I really began to “use my head,” so to speak, and used my hands to steady him.
From being sprayed with water by Method Man’s bottled spring water to witnessing a fight erupt right next to me, the concert was completely awesome. However, by the time the concert was about to end, I, as one of Drew’s friends put it, “was afraid of fainting from exhaustion and being trampled underfoot,” so it was a good time to end. Afterwards, Method Man invited the audience to attend their after-party at the Marriott hotel, but we decided to punt due to exhaustion and disorientation. As I write this article, my ears are still ringing from the loud sound, but I also got to leave the concert with a fond memory, a cool t-shirt, a sweet poster, and the sole of Method Man’s Air Force Ones forever imprinted on my skull.
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